Little Brittain Quotes

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Vicky Pollard: They don't scare me! Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just Vicky Pollard from round the corner from the block. V to the P to the Icky to the Ollard.

  .  .  .  .  .

Bus Conductor: Look, I've warned you before. If you don't have a ticket you're gonna have to get off.


'Vicky Pollard: Oh, my God! That is so unfair! This is like, well, sexual harassment! If you like, fancy me why don't you just say so?God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind afterPE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.

  .  .  .  .  .

Vicky Pollard: No, but yeah, but no, because if you don't let me in then Blazin' Squad are well, gonna give you beatings because I've actually already met them already anyway, actually, down at the Radio 1 Roadshow at Weston Super-Mare!


[to friend]
Vicky Pollard: You remember, it was the time I got fingered by Chris Moyles and Hayley Evers reckons she saw Jo Whiley taking a dump in the sea.

[to bouncer]

Vicky Pollard: But, anyway I have met Blazin' Squad and they said I should definitely come backstage and see 'em and do 'em, and anyway I do know them already because I'm their cousin. And if Rowan Gordon says I'm not then don't listen to him because everyoneknows he's mental because he once shoved his knob through Miss Mayal's letterbox.

  .  .  .  .  .

Police Officer: You do know it's an offence to waste police time?

Vicky Pollard: No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but I know because I'm not wasting police time because you know Micha? Well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school because she was gonna go down the wimbley and get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he's been trying to grow a moustache but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet instead, only don't tell Bethany that because she's fancied Luke Torbet ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec'.

[Vicky is with her boyfriend, Jermaine. They have arrived to go robbing with Vicky's gang]

Chav 1: Er - take your time, why don't you!?

Chav 2: Alright, Vicky, where've you been?


Vicky: (with a Rastafarian English accent) No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no because something what I don't even know nothing about. So shut up and don't be giving me evils because I'm hanging with my man Jermaine now and we've just been round the back of the waterside, making babies

Chav 3: (the gang look shocked by Vicky's sudden change in accent and behaviour) So, you coming down robbing woolies with us later, or what?

Vicky: (In a Rastafarian English accent) Me don't know, me think about hanging out with me man Jermaine and cooking up some chicken and rice but yeah, but no, but yeah but I'll have to ask Jermaine now because I'm like his bitch now. So Jermaine, what say you?

Jermaine: (in a posh accent) Well, I don't really know, Victoria, I'm just happy to go with the flow.

  .  .  .  .  .

Tom/Narrator: It's night time at this bootcamp in Utah. A bootcamp is a wonderful place for those young crinimals hoping to graduate to Adult prison.

[Coach comes in the bedroom]

Coach: Come on girls! Lights out in 5! We've got a 10 mile hike tommorow! *starts smelling* Somebody's smoking!

[Vicky smokes in the bathrooms. Coach rushes to the bathroom and finds Vicky smoking]

Coach: Are you smoking?

Vicky: *Hides her cigarette behind her hair and breathes smoke* No!

Coach: I just saw you smoking a cigarette, and you know you're not allowed to smoke cigarettes here!

Vicky: No but yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but, Oh my god that is so unfair! Everybody knows I gave up smoking when I was like, 9! Anyway if anybody's been breaking the rules is Harmony butler, because she stole Shanita's eyeliner pencil, and drew a picture on the dormitory wall of a big fat woman with a penis and wrote your name on it. I'm not saying you're a big fat woman with a penis, I'm just saying what she did!

Coach: I don't know what you're talking about Vicky, but your cigarette is still lit!

Vicky: *Smoke builds up from her hair* You calling me a liar? You better watch out because the last person's called me a liar was Bethany Ray, and she ended getting stabbed in the arm with a pencil, but I never done it cos I would Soooo never do that! And anyone who says I did, I'd stab them in the arm with a pencil.

Coach:*getting worried* Vicky, there is smoke coming out of your hair.

Vicky: So what if there is? Stop getting involved! Oh my god this is so unfair! Everyone's always picking on me just cos their jealous!  Not my fault I'm  beautiful! So I look like a thin Jessica Alba! Don't blame me!

[Vicky's hair catches fire]

Coach:Your hair's on fire! *Reaches for a towel*

Vicky:Oh my god! Is that Shelly Cayman's towel?

[Coach puts the towel over Vicky's head, which put's out the fire]

Vicky: Ow! Ow! Ow! That's actually my head! Ow! Stop trying! Stop!

Coach: *Removes the Towel from Vicky's head* Are you ok?

[Vicky's hair is burnt and revealing]

Vicky:*Sarcasticly* Oh thanks very much! Now I look like a lesbian! *Walks off*

  .  .  .  .  .

Vicky Pollard: Who the Hollyoaks omnibus is that?

Vicky's friend #1
: Chantelle Baker's gang.


Vicky Pollard: Who or sumthin or nuffin?

Vicky's friend #2
: They live down St.Pauls.

Vicky Pollard
: No, but, yeh, but, no, but,, what are they doin' on our patch or sumthin' or nuffin' or sorta like thing coz they is well gonna get beat-ins!

Vicky's friend #3
: Cool it Vicky, they're well hard.

Vicky's friend #1
: Yeerh, they give the Rettinen Sisters a bog wash.

Vicky Pollard
:They don't scare me. Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just Vicky Pollard from round the corner from the block. V to the P to the icky to the ollard. Ohmigod. This is well hectic!

Vicky Pollard
: Hey you, what you doin' on our patch, you total bunch of mingin' dog bitches!
[a dancing match follows, which is ended when Vicky boldly steps up to one of the gang members and and gives her a nipple-cripple]

Vicky Pollard
: We is well the best dancers.

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